Because if I don’t then it’ll be stuck in my head, haunting me like the words I never said and the actions I never did. I am on only child. Hooray and all for getting anything that I want, for having my parents’ undivided attention. But damnnit, it gets pretty lonely, and I’ve spent my life wishing I at least had someone. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but they’re always gone, and of course I want someone my own age, someone who understands me in that way. I’ve had friends, but friends, they come and go.
Five years ago, against my wishes, my parents decided to finance my cousin’s college education, which meant for her to stay with us indefinitely. For the first year, in all honesty, we barely spoke, because I was dealing with issues far larger than any of you could imagine. But eventually, we did become friends, and for a moment there, I thought, sisters. I was so happy to have had something constant in my life. I knew she will always be there. I thought she will always be there.
She is a college graduate now, for over a year actually. After having taken the licensure exam and passing, and having had a job for a few months, she has decided upon going back home to the province. Now I, I kept denying this inside me all year. I knew this was what she wanted, but I needed her here, because I didn’t really have that many friends, and she was someone I could always rely on.
She left me today, went on that plane and will probably never come back. I’ve been crying for four days straight now. She means that much to me, and I swear, I’ve tried to be happy for her as best as I could. Unfortunately, my way of being happy for her translated into not really paying attention to her for the last few days she were to spend with me… because I just knew that I would cry, and I did. I cried so hard, but I cried silently, as to not sadden her or anyone else in our household. When I couldn’t cry silently at home, I went out and cried in this old abandoned place. At night, before falling asleep, I cried. I would wake up crying as well.
What depresses me now are the thoughts that I have - I don’t think she cares about me the same way. I don’t think she cried even the slightest. Maybe she was even happy to have gotten rid of me at least. I brought her to the airport earlier, and cried in front of her before she entered the gates - and she laughed at me, asking why I was crying. How could I not cry?!
And now I’m crying again, and there are still so many sad thoughts and memories and all that shit. But right now, I feel really used and unloved, and most of all… alone. I love too much the people who don’t love me back, and I suck at showing whatever love there is to boot.
I don’t know how to end this, because Day four into crying, and Night One without her, and I feel as though there are still more to come.
In the recent months of this new semester filled with activities and socialization, I came across a guy as sweet as can be, with practically everything - well, most of what - I’ve always wanted and liked in a guy. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t cheat, he’s funny, full of energy, he’s fun to tease, and he’s cute. I thought that maybe this was it, I’ll get over you, finally. Its been three or so years, verging on four, I believe - but since you there’s been no one else on my mind, in my heart. I see this guy everyday, the last I’ve seen of you was back in March, the last I’ve talked to you, as in really talk to you, was back in September. And you, you’re irresponsible, careless, insecure, arrogant… this guy, he isn’t… but he’s no you.
I thought for a moment there that the guy was definitely it, my new crush. However, there’s no rapid beating of the heart around him, no blushing, no stuttering… that only happened with you. This holiday, I greeted everyone during Christmas and New Year, and this guy replied with all these things about he was so happy that he got to know me and that he hoped to be able to get to know me more… and inside I was like, “Uhh, okay.” whereas you, you annoyingly you, you, all you said was happy new year as well, but it got me jumping up and down like the old times whenever our conversations would last for hours and then you’d suddenly slip in something sweet. What is it about you?
I don’t know! Honestly, I don’t know anymore. When your heart beats for someone, I guess you can’t control it, can’t control when or if that heart would ever stop beating for someone, because if you could I would have, but I haven’t. I still don’t want to believe, nor accept, that this is true love, because it is too damn one-sided if it is. All I can conclude now with certainty is that there’s something about you, something I can’t quite pinpoint, yet at the same time, I can’t quite let go of.
To my best friend,
Its been ten years…
And it still feels like yesterday.
Those butterflies in my stomach,
They’re still there.
When you kissed me on the cheek,
nothing else could compare.
Nothing else could compare either,
to the pain of knowing you’re gone.
Half of my life, I’ve been without you.
Half of my life, spent missing you.
Every second, of every minute,
of every hour of everyday, and week,
and month, and year, spent loving you.
I miss you.
I hope you’re happy there. :)
We’re just friends. We are. We have been for so long. I can tell you everything, and you can do the same with me. We laugh together, we cry, and at the end of the day, we are just friends. And so, why am I so disturbed upon seeing your picture with some other girl? I know this girl, you’ve told me about her. You said that she liked you, but you did not feel the same. Then why do you act that way with her? Go on “friendly” dates? Give her expensive gifts? If you like her, fine, just don’t lie to me about it. We’re friends. We’re still going to be friends even if you like this girl, which I think you really do, although it does hurt. You know why? Because you text her the way you text me. You keep mentioning her every other conversation. And our friendship, a friendship that has stood the test of 6 years being miles away from each other, seems to be weakening with her presence in your life. We used to talk everyday. EVERYDAY. And now, I glance at my phone I see that the last conversation we had was almost a month ago. And you don’t care. Of course you don’t. Who was I to think that you would? We’re just friends.
Choose Your Top 5 TV Shows:
1. How I Met Your Mother
2. Gossip Girl
3. One Tree Hill
5. New Girl
The first character I fell in love with:
1. Ted Mosby
2. Blair Waldorf
3. Brooke Davis
4. Karen Cartwright
5. Nick Miller
The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:
1. Barney Stinson
2. Chuck Bass
3. Brooke Davis
The character I can’t stand:
1. Lily Aldrin
2. Dan Humphrey
3. Peyton Sawyer
4. Ivy Lynn
5. Napoli (Winston’s boss)
The character I’d do any time:
1. Barney Stinson? :))
2. CHUCK BASS
3. Lucas Scott
4. Michael Swift. :3
The character I’d punch:
1. Stella Zinman
2. Dan Humphrey
3. Peyton Sawyer
Who are my 3 favorite characters from each show in order?
1. Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen
2. Chuck Bass, Blair Waldorf, Serena Van Der Woodsen
3. Brooke Davis, Mouth, Lucas Scott
4. Karen Cartwright, Derek, Michael Swift
5. Nick Miller, Schmidt, Jessica Day
Two pairings from each show that I love:
1. Barney and Robin, Marshall and Lily
2. Chuck and Blair, Dan and Serena
3. Brooke and Lucas, Nathan and Haley
4. Karen and Derek, Julia and Michael
5. Nick and Jess, Schmidt and CeCe
I felt that feeling again, yesterday, roughly around 2:30 in the afternoon as I was talking - more like, being nagged or teased or whatever - by this guy. He was urging me to do something, and he was boasting about himself in that naughty but cute way that I’ve only ever encountered with one other guy - you.
Is it weird? I told myself that I’ve moved on from you because I liked someone else now. Yes, I like him, but I will never like him the way I like you. When I explained it to my friends, I liked this guy, but no to the level that I felt with you. I don’t think anyone could compare to that. But liking this guy, however, was a much needed change-up. I mean, I’ve liked you for so long. As of my recent count, verging on 2 years, but not quite. I think I’m a month shy of having liked you for two whole years, and its unusual because I’ve liked other guys before you that exceeded far past two years, and yet yours was the most consuming. Seriously, when I moved on from liking the guy before you to you, I didn’t even notice because I just fell for you so hard, so fast. You took me on a whirlwind of texting brigades, good morning greetings, waiting for me to eat lunch or go home with. And though I was closer then to the guy that I liked before you, he never quite had the same effect on me as you did. I doubt the current guy I like would even amount to half of how red my face would get just by the mere thought of you, or how fast my heart would beat around you. No one could live up to you.
And so I’ve concluded prematurely that this crush I have on this guy is just a happy crush, not quite how I felt about my previous major ones that included you. But I have admitted, I guess prematurely as well, that I have moved on from you - but have I?
We no longer talk. All I have are our memories together, and every time I come across a particularly cheesy post on tumblr, I still feel myself thinking of you, not this new guy. What kind of moving on is this? Am I wired wrong or something? I thought I was over you, but I’m not. I want to be. This new crush is supposed to support my theory that you are only able to truly move on when you find someone new. Well, he’s someone new, then why do I still think of you?
Move on, please, just move on. I beg myself this every time I come across your name, or a memory. I try to reminisce the feeling I had when we would talk like how this new guy talked to me yesterday… same feeling, higher intensity, more important guy.
I thought that we all move on at our own pace, and for a time I believed in that… but do we ever really move on? Or is it just me? Either way. I should have moved on. I should be moving on. I think I may be a step closer to that, but as long as I still think of you, it would remain an unattainable feat. Get out of my head then. You have no idea how hard I’ve tried to banish you from there. Its better off without you. Get out of my heart too. Just, please. Let me move on.
Who knows what will happen with this new guy, probably nothing. There may be someone else out there. Hopefully there is. I so want for that day to come already, for me to find someone that is not you and makes me feel better than you made me feel (though that is admittedly a tall drink of water). That day would come, I know. I just need to wait. I need to get over you.